Why This Speed Dating Site Should Change Its Name

I recently tried online speed dating called “Fun Singles.”

Spoiler alert: It was not.

It was advertised as “Fun Singles Columbus Metro Area.” I thought I was stretching it when I called Acropolis any kind of “metro area.” But Fun Singles defined the Columbus metro area as everything from the East Coast to Texas. That would be one hell of a daily commute.

With the first two matches, I had congenial 8-minute video conversations, though they were 1000 miles away in opposite directions. The next match appeared to be sitting in a storage closet. Chairs and boxes were stacked around him. He avoided my gaze as he told me he lived with his parents. Aside from two brief glances my direction, he talked while staring at a broken lamp in the corner, which made forging a connection – well, um, impossible.

The next guy answered while driving his car. In contrast with Guy-Who-Talked-To-Lamp, Driving Guy stared directly at his phone in his lap. I don’t know how he kept his car on the road. He claimed to be managing a hospital. I think that meant he drove an Uber that often passed a hospital.

I was starting to feel queasy. But I had paid $25 and I hate to waste money. I decided to let the algorithm pair me again.

As the video started, the guy jumped off of his bed and slammed his door shut so his parents wouldn’t hear him. Then he lay on his bed and talked about washing dishes in a restaurant. His eyelids drooped more and more. He was falling asleep—two minutes into our conversation.

Nothing topped my match with John, a Fortune Teller from Hollywood, FL. I never saw John but I saw his empty bed. Red crystals dangled from two lamps that dimly lit his rumpled pillows. I bet there was a lava lamp somewhere in that room but I leapt to press the red button before I saw more.

That was the end of my “fun” on “Fun Singles.” For the sake of truth in advertising, I suggested they change their name. But apparently their test audience didn’t like the name: “Guys So Creepy You’re Grateful They’re 1000 Miles Away.”

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