Let’s face it, Gen Xers: dating has changed a lot since we were young(er)! Creating a profile on an app can make us feel like we need a degree in marketing. We need some updated terminology for what we really encounter in online dating:
B
Beltie = the ubiquitous selfie showing only a guy and his seatbelt. It’s the photo to post when you need to say: “I may live in my mom’s basement but at least I own a car.” And even if it’s your mom’s car, hey, at least she lets you drive it. 😉
E
ENM = To a single woman in online dating, this stands for “Eek! Not Me!” My physicist friend does a demonstration where he fills a large aquarium with mouse traps, each loaded with a single ping-pong ball. He sets off one trap, which sets off a second. Those two balls set off two more and those four balls set off four more. It’s exponential and before you know it, it’s mass havoc. ENM is like that, but instead of ping-pong balls flying all over the place, it’s STDs.
G
Ghosting = We all know what this is; it was the cause of every Gen X teenage heartbreak. The shock was to discover that people are still doing it 30 years after high school ended!
I
“I’m an open book” = “I have an unhealthy lack of personal boundaries.” In the first 10 minutes of conversation, this person will divulge all personal details and expect the same from you. “Thank you for meeting me for a drink. I should let you know upfront that I have herpes. And I’m also married.” Choose a table where you have the exit in sight…
“I’m seeking marriage” = “I’m a catfishing bot.” Apparently catfishers research American women by binge-watching Lifetime movies. (See also, “I was raised in Europe.”)
“I was raised in Europe” = see above. It’s like the Hallmark channel but all the princes are Nigerian.
M
Mansquisition = When a match asks you slowly and clearly about common-sense topics: “Do you know what a cir-cuit break-er is? What about a Phil-lips head screw-dri-ver?” Be forewarned: the mansquisition is the prequel to mansplaining.
Mezzo-Ghosting = When a match starts out texting you all day, every day and suddenly drops to the bare minimum of communication. Just enough that you can’t quite accuse them of ghosting. Mezzo-ghosting is the silent quitting of dating.
P
Photo with a dead fish = Does anyone have a clue what effect this is supposed to produce on a woman?
R
Relationship ADHD = Attention Deficit Hedonism Disorder. The matches who pursue you intensely and launch into dating with verve, but once things go well for a short time, get quickly bored. See also mezzo ghosting above.
S
Spontaneous Combustion aka Grand Finale = When a match launches a series of red flags like fireworks before vanishing into thin air. In the time that you are at work, a Spontaneous Combustion match can progress from the dawn’s early light: “Nice to meet you!” To the rockets’ red glare: “Where are you on a Monday afternoon that you won’t reply to my messages? If you don’t reply, I’ll sic my crazy chinchilla on you!” It ends with bombs bursting in air: “You will never hear from me again and you don’t know what you are missing!” All before you even leave the office. Dust off your hands and walk away.
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