Adventures of a Single Parent: Online Dating (Part 2)

July 20, 2022

When last we left in Adventures of a Sole Parent: Online Dating (Part 1), I had just rebuilt my Binge profile mere weeks after having vowed never to date online again. That was Day 143…

Day 232

I’ve paused Binge in frustration more times than I can count. 

I’ve unpaused Binge in loneliness more times than I can count.

I’ve been ghosted more times than I can count.

I’ve chatted with Monsieur Fake French: “Vat kind of relationship do you vant? Most of zeez vomen just vant sex vhich is so disappointing to me. I vant a serious relationship vith a voman I can involve in my wine business.” 

I chatted with Fake Armenian who frequently changed the spelling of his own name. 

I’ve had the “too-fast-too-soon” type. The Writer told me that he wanted us to answer “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love” on our third date. (We had not yet had our first date.) After our first date, he talked about taking me to Hawaii and then abruptly disappeared. I discovered later by Googling “Why does my iMessage not send?” that he had blocked my cellphone number………

HE blocked MY cellphone???

I’ve been contacted by more married guys than I can count. “Ethical non-monogomy” they call it. Creepily, they’re all guys I know. One worked on my house. Just how does propositioning your customers fit into a business plan anyway?

I’m through with Binge.

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Day 257

I feel relieved after my break from Binge.

Maybe if I try a site where everyone has to pay, the guys will be better vetted. 

A lot of people talk about Batch.com. I’ve never tried it…

Day 259

I compliment a guy on Batch.com on his Halloween costume. In his picture, he is dressed as a table with a lamp on it: “One Nightstand.”

“Clever,” I say.

Clever Costume replies: “I would really like to have sex with you. I can drive to you. Do you want to meet tomorrow?” 

I think that my expression was something like in A Clockwork Orange after Alex has his eyes propped open with sticks.

Day 268

A guy says he wants to apply for the job of stepdad to my son. He asks if we can meet.

I ask for his full name and he sends it to me. “I used to live in Acropolis and still own property there,” he says. “No Nigerian scammer here!”

Future Stepdad names the city where he now lives and I find eleven listings for men by that name. I can’t find his name listed as the owner of any property in Acropolis. 

I ask for a little more detail: maybe an address?

Future Stepdad retorts: “Now how do I know that you aren’t a scammer? You went too far asking for my address! There are plenty of other girls I can chat with on here who won’t make me jump through hoola hoops (sic)!”

I wonder: does Future Stepdad remember the White Pages? 

Day 276

There is a guy on Batch.com who lives not far from my area. He left the corporate world to buy a farm. Mr. Corporate-Turned-Farmer asks, “Could I come to Acropolis and meet you?”

Me: “I usually like to get a little more information first. What is your full name?”

Mr. Corporate-Turned-Farmer gave me his name and his brother’s name, who he is proud to say is a scientist, and adds names of other respectable members of his family. 

“But when you look me up,” C-T-F continues, “Just remember that you can’t drive 4000 miles a month without falling into some speed traps.”

OK. I can handle speeding tickets.

“Oh, and also when I got divorced, my ex-wife threw a domestic violence charge at me. I had to plead guilty just to expedite the divorce. You’ll find that is on there too. But it wasn’t true!” 

Whoa. That one question really brings the crazy out.

Maybe I need a site where people have to pay even more than this…..

Day 281

After this little success with men, I consider whether I should become a lesbian. They seem so happy and stable, holding hands into their seventies. People switch teams all the time, right? If other people can manage it, surely I can. 

I browse the “women seeking women” on Batch.com. The more I look, the more I fear that switching teams may not be as easy as it seems on Grey’s Anatomy.

Day 287

While I’m in a neighboring city, I have lunch with a guy I’ve chatted with on and off since Binge. It has been hard for us to meet, as we both have young kids. Lunch is nice; he is kind and considerate. So we go on a hike. As we navigate an uneven ascent, Thoughtful Guy touches my back gently and I get chills through my body.

“Damn,” I think. “I’m totally failing at this lesbian thing.”

Day 296

I have officially deleted Batch.com. I didn’t quite make a full year of online dating.

I still see Thoughtful Guy. He freely admits that he doesn’t know what he wants in his future, which is not surprising as his divorce is still fresh. My divorce was 8-1/2 years ago, so that puts us in pretty different places. But for now it’s enough to have someone who makes me laugh, makes a mean after-work snack spread and gives a killer massage. Last week I asked my counselor if I deserve someone treating me that well. She threw a pillow at me. (My counselor also has a sense of humor).

So I’ll let it ride.

No matter what happens, one thing is for sure:

I am NOT going online again!

Hmmmm…..what is this The League thing anyway?

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_{To read more, please click to view Online Dating Part 3: The Call of Nature.}