Adventures of a Single Parent: Online Dating (Part 1)

July 18, 2022

Last night, a friend grabbed a beer, pulled up a chair and asked for my latest online-dating (horror) stories. “I’m finished with that!” I exclaimed. My married friends have been glued to my cyberspace misadventures like the latest reality TV show. I credit myself with having saved marriages. My experiences do not make single living look glamorous.

I first dipped my toe into the waters of online dating about a year and a half after my divorce. I researched all of the sites, chose one, and spent the entire evening honing my profile. Expert Single Friend told me that women get flooded on these sites. The next morning, I was so excited to view all of my matches! Instead, I logged in to find that my profile had been deleted. I received an email from the legal department of the dating site stating that I had been removed “for the safety of their member users.” If I wanted more detail, the email stated, I would need an attorney and a subpoena. That, I thought, was the end of my online dating career.

Six years later, residing in a small town (which we will call Acropolis), enduring a pandemic and not having met a new person in any circumstance for years, I decided to give online dating another shot. I joked to my friends that I was only doing it to have empirical proof that there are no single men in my age bracket in Acropolis. But, as the saying goes, real life is indeed stranger than fiction.

Day 1

While setting up my F-Melody profile, I discover that the options related to children are “Don’t want them,” “Want them some day,” or “Definitely want them.” Where is the click box for “There’s no way I’m having new kids at my age, but I have one in Excellent Used Condition and am open to a partner with same?”

Day 2

I got a message from a single guy right here in Acropolis! He lived Out West when I did and is a fellow musician! A guitarist.

Will have to eat my own words?

Day 3

The Guitarist says that last night he had a date “with someone truly special” and is now pursuing a relationship. My emotions are running halfway between disappointment and vindication. I now have my empirical proof…

Day 5

I’m chatting with a guy a few hours away who is a rabbi and chaplain. He has an interesting life and philosophy and even has a podcast. He is widowed but clearly much more experienced at online dating than I am.

I wonder how many years it has been since his wife died. 

Day 6

While looking up The Rabbi’s podcast, I happen upon his wife’s obituary. 

She has been dead for six weeks.

He says he is “over it.”

I may be over online dating already.

Day 9

I’ve been chatting for a few days with a new guy from a nearby state. He loves animals and hiking and has one son but wishes he had more. This could be promising.

Day 10

Loves Animals and Kids sends me a message that starts, “Dear Heidi” (not my name) and continues, “Before we go forward with a relationship, I should tell you that I’m a good person who has done some bad things. Here is my real name. You can read more about me on the internet.”

I discover that he robbed a bank with a semi-automatic weapon, kidnapped his 5-year-old son, fled out-of-state, and was just released from prison.

 I have now deleted my F-Melody account.

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Day 24

I have a conversation with Expert Single Friend who encourages me to get back on online dating. 

ESF: “Are you on Binge?”

Me: “I don’t think so, though sometimes I get really hungry after a long run.”

ESF: “Uhh, no, it’s a dating app.”

M: “Oh. Haven’t heard of it.”

ESF: “At any given time, there is only one dating app that captures the zeitgeist of our time. Right now, Binge is it.”

It was a good sales pitch. I like to capture zeitgeist as much as the next gal.

Maybe I should give it another shot. What are the chances of meeting two felons in online dating?

Day 25

I’m chatting on Binge with an interesting guy who is a DJ in a nearby city. He has interesting taste in music and many activities in common with me.

Day 27

The DJ just gave me his cellphone number. He seems nice, but maybe I should check him out, just to be sure.

Top Google results for The DJ:

• Goodreads: I like an avid reader.
• Strava: We have hiked a lot of the same trails.
• His Disc Jockey website: I am impressed by his musical breadth.
• The Sex Offender Registry: Child pornography.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Day 28

I report Child Porn Guy to Binge. 

Before I delete my profile, I check out a geologist I had just started chatting with. Instead of felonies, I find 43 published articles and 167 citations. (The good kind, in other publications – not the traffic kind). I offer to continue talking to him outside of the site.

Day 29

Hot Geologist and I are planning to meet halfway between our cities.

Day 31

By the end of our five-hour first date, Hot Geologist is already planning our second! Maybe all of this online dating stuff will have been worth it just to have met him!

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Day 96

I’ve been dating Hot Geologist for two months. We both love to paddleboard and hike. We’ve cheered on marathoners together, gone on haunted tours and eaten some great food. He makes me laugh and is easy going. He has even met my son at this point. He isn’t always great at sharing his feelings but we are talking about communication and ways to improve it. I can’t believe I actually met someone on Binge! This is so exciting.

Day 101

Hot Geologist doesn’t text or call as much as he used to. He is getting dodgy about making plans, but he says nothing is wrong. We continue to talk about improving our communication and he encourages me to ask him anything. 

Day 103

I told Hot Geologist that I can be understanding about work, family, friends and health issues, but it just doesn’t seem like he is as excited to see me as he used to be. He said he thought he would be OK about dating someone in Acropolis but it turned out he wasn’t. 

I said that maybe we could have worked on ways to ease logistics if he had talked to me sooner. 

He said he had planned to tell me. Eventually.

So I’m single again. But I’m definitely NOT getting online again. 

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Day 143

I know that I said I wasn’t getting online again, but I don’t meet anyone in real life. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to rebuild my profile on Binge for a short time.

Will it go better the next time around? Scroll down to subscribe and find out in Online Dating, Part 2….

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_{Note: At the time of this writing, I never dreamed that I would continue writing about online dating, but by popular request, I added Online Dating, Part 3}